‘Tis the season, ‘tisn’t it? And what could make the holidays be even more festive than chowing down on some delicious nourishing grub? So loosen your belts a notch or two and get yourselves ready for some late but still great holiday recipes. Ready? Here goes.
LAST MINUTE
CHRISTMAS CAKE
All right, you should have started this two Octobers ago, but Christmas seemed so far away then. It’s not too late. You can start from scratch and mix together about 40 pounds of nuts, dried fruit, butter, sugar, eggs, flour and spices (a commercial cement mixer works really well and you can toss the family pooch in at the end to lick the inside clean). We prefer to buy a few prepackaged cakes at the local supermarket, remove the cellophane wrap, soak overnight in four jiggers of good Scotch whiskey, rewrap the next morning in your own unmarked Stretch ‘n Seal, and serve on Christmas Day. After two or three slices, who’s gonna care?
HOMEMADE EGG NOG
A thick blend of milk, cream, eggs and nutmeg, this holiday drink has been known to harden arteries before you’ve even finished pouring it into a glass. We like to cut ours with rum so that it becomes more of a health food. Generally, everybody uses the same basic ingredients, but we have found that it’s how you combine the proportions that sets our ‘nog apart. We forego the milk and use straight whipping cream. (A spray can of Reddi-Wip can be used as a substitute if you are lacto-intolerant.) A block of maple fudge can be blended in for sweetening. Finally, sprinkle with a dash of nutmeg and serve chilled.
MINCEMEAT TARTS
Just when you think that you are so bloated that you couldn’t possibly stuff another piece of food in your mouth, these little suckers appear on the dinner table. Before you know it you’re over the edge and bent over double talking to Ralph on the big white porcelain bowl. Mmmmmm-mmmmm.
Basically, all you need is some pie-crust pastry and the usual suspects of dried fruit, nuts and spices for the filling. Add a little sugar, apple cider, and something called “beef suet” and you’re cookin’. Now the dictionary defines suet as “the hard fat about the kidneys and loins of cattle or sheep,” which is a concept too disgusting for even this food column. Don’t “suet” it. We have found that a half-dozen strips of beef jerky soaked overnight in decent Scotch works just fine. Bon appetit!
MULLED WINE
No need to mull this one over for too long. This is basically an excuse to warm your innards with an alcoholic beverage because your core temperature dropped too low as a result of your not having had the sense to come in out of the cold due to all the rum and egg nog you had previously consumed.
All you need is sugar, water, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, nutmeg, lemon peel and some really cheap Keg O’ Rotgut from any local Noname Winery. If you find yourself short on ingredients, skip the water.
TRADITIONAL WASSAIL BOWL
What do you get when you combine baked apples, sugar, spices and beaten eggs with beer and sherry? Something only the English could have thought up, but it might just be exactly what’s good for “wassaillin’” you. First, as is the usual British flair for all things cuisine, boil everything. Then add alcohol. It’s as simple as that. Serve in a silver heatproof punch bowl (a hubcap will do in a pinch) and float roasted apples on top. If you try bobbing for the apples, make sure you invite someone with CPR training.
BOILED FRUIT CAKE
We’ve got the Irish to thank for this concoction. Boil margarine and sugar in a case of Guinness Stout, and add the usual nuts, dried fruit, spices, eggs, flour and baking soda. You’re supposed to bake it for a couple of hours, wrap it in tin foil, and store for a few weeks to allow it to mellow. We figure you can save a lot in tin foil expenses if you just eat the batter right away and watch yourself mellow.
CHRISTMAS PLUM PUDDING
This one has everything but plums in it. This is one recipe that doesn’t require boiling; no, you steam the sucker for four to six hours (depending on the size of the mould) and serve hot with Spiced Hard Sauce. (Trust me, you don’t want to know what this is.)
CHRISTMAS STUFFING
Whether it’s turkey, chicken, duck, quail, Cornish game hen or Tofurkey, fair is foul and fowl is fare — providing you’ve packed the bird with stuffing. There are actual recipes for making the stuffing, but we just throw in everything that has slipped through the wire baskets in the freezer and congealed at the bottom. We’re talking bread slices, beans, blackberries, old pills, expired sea monkeys and that placenta you never quite figured out what you would do with it.
Nobody asked me, but those are probably more than enough mouth-watering recipes to get you through the holiday season. When in doubt, just marinate yourself in some nuts and dried fruit with your beverage of choice and let the spirit of Christmas wash over you. Nutmeg is optional.
Editor’s note: This holiday season gem first appeared in the Dec. 21, 1999 issue of the Salt Spring Thyme newsletter.