It can’t happen here, can it? Can the tensions rising from the jockeying of global trade agreements escalate to the point where countries are ready to drop the gloves and actually duke it out?
Of course, we all believe that cooler heads will prevail. But just in case we’re wrong, it’s not too early to plan on how we can defend our Great White North from the belligerent bully to our south.
I know what you’re thinking. How can the True North Strong and Free possibly go up against a superpower 10 times our size with a military strength that makes us look like Bugs Bunny in mortal combat with Godzilla? How are we supposed to guard the old 49th with an outdated war machine that looks like it’s being overseen and controlled by the management team of the Toronto Maple Leafs?
Does the name Perrin Beatty ring a bell? During the mid-1980s, he was the Progressive Conservative choice for Minister of National Defence in the Brian Mulroney cabinet, before being demoted to some lesser portfolio such as the Ministry of Garage Sales or something like that. At the time, Beatty was really gung-ho for beefing up Canada’s defensive arsenal by building stealth nuclear submarines that would be able to sneak through the seven seas without being seen, heard or even smelt because they were virtually undetectable. Although they would cost a gazillion dollars to build, Beatty argued that they would protect Canada’s sovereign rights to the Arctic. Sid Filkow, resident island philosopher/lawyer/actor/comedian and bagel/coffee aficionado, opined at the time that if the stealth subs were truly undetectable, why don’t we not build them and just say that we did. Who’s going to know?
What else should we put on our military shopping list? Another all too evident wartime deficiency we have lies in the category of armoured vehicles. Let’s face it; our tank corps are outdated and outmoded. Even if we were to somehow be gifted newer “cutting-edge” technology tanks, we would still be heavily outnumbered by those of our enemy. Not to worry. Imagine the fear and ensuing panic we would instill in our American adversaries when they were forced to engage in battle with columns of Zamboni ice resurfacing machines sweeping across the border! Talk about icing the enemy.
And behind them will skate legions of foot soldiers, armed with hockey sticks in one hand and curling brooms in the other, advancing gracefully across the largest formerly unguarded border on earth. These will be closely tailed by dog teams of Labrador and Newfoundland retrievers hauling sled loads of hockey pucks, snowballs and pine cones for pelting the enemy.
Next we will come with oodles of skidoos loaded up with cases of Lucky beer, which can be catapulted through the air so they can inflict the most damage on the enemy’s fortifications. For the icing on the cake, we’ll saturate the battlefields with oak kegs of Crown Royal Noble, Canada’s finest whiskey, which will fuel the flaming Molotov cocktails that will be lobbed across the border (as well as refuelling our fearless troops).
Let’s not forget about the battles to be fought in the sky above us. We may not possess battalions of supersonic fighter jets, but we do have the world-famous Snowbirds aerobatics team, which has been entertaining the population at air shows and exhibitions across the land. There may only be a handful of these planes and pilots, but just imagine them barrel-rolling and loop-de-looping around the confused American Air Force. Combine these maneuvers with some of the optical illusions and old carnival tricks employed by our very own Cirque du Soleil contortionists, and we will appear to be ruling the skies a thousandfold. We could further confound both sides of the battle by throwing in a few Air Canada and WestJet scheduled flights that may or may not be delayed and may possibly still be sitting on the tarmac. The more confusion, the better.
If these tactics don’t show enough air power, we can still fall back on our ace in the hole: the Canada goose. We just get several large flocks of these babies grazing on our lush pastures and golf course fairways until they are full to maximum capacity, and then unleash them and their organic payloads into the air space to our south. Not exactly your friendly fire, this unholy mess.
Well, it looks like we’ve got the air and the land battles pretty well covered. What about the high seas? Do we have any marine assets that can rival the American battleships, destroyers and aircraft carriers? You bet we do. We’ve got an incredible fleet of BC Ferries ranging up and down the Pacific coast. All we need to do is put the ferry fleet into combat action. We’ll make sure that the scheduled departures are as unpredictable as the regular ferry sailings so that they will be difficult to sink and the enemy will never know which vessels are carrying dangerous cargo. And just when the enemy thinks they’ve got our pattern figured out, we can coordinate our attacks so we can surprise the Yanks every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and on alternate Sundays.
Maybe all this talk of invasion and annexation is nothing but a whole lot of huffing and puffing. Perhaps, when push comes to shove, we can all chill and work out these trade and boundary disputes civilly and peacefully. However, if Trump and his posse really do want to annex Canada, I have a feeling we are not about to throw up our hands in surrender. Nobody asked me, but there’s no question that we will organize in resistance. Mr. Poilievre has trumpeted far and wide that he will never allow our country to become the 51st state, but after Greenland is devoured and digested by our hungry neighbour, who’s to say that he won’t welcome an invitation to become the 52nd state? Not on our watch, I say.
So no thanks, Mr. Trump. No deal. If you don’t back off, we just might have to follow the lead of General Justin Bieber, who in 2014 had to settle a criminal misdemeanor vandalism charge lawsuit for “egging” his neighbour’s house in some petty dispute. We hear your country is short on eggs. We’ll send you eggs. Just keep your head down and don’t look up.