Enough already. Circle the wagons. Batten down the hatches. Fortify the ramparts. Pull up the drawbridge. Load the cannons. And, by all means, hoist the flag up high.
Storm clouds are forming above our southern border and it looks like a trade war is brewing on the horizon. The bully who has just moved into the White House and is quickly converting it to a House of Orange reno is flexing his economic muscles as he tries to put the squeeze on the whipping boy to the north. That’s Canada. That’s you and me.
What are these terrible weapons that King Donald waves threateningly over our heads? They are called tariffs, and they act like taxes but it is the importer who must pay the surcharge on the goods. The importer would probably want to pass this surcharge on to the consumer, but the consumer might not want to make the purchase because the cost is higher than it was before the tariff was applied. This, of course, makes the buyer look to places elsewhere on the globe where tariffs have not been introduced. Or, if the tariff theory is to be trusted, the importer will invest in the regional production of the product itself and thereby save on the cost in the long run. If this happens, the exporting country suffers due to reduced sale of exported goods.
How do we stand up against the threat of these proposed tariffs? Well, there’s that ad portraying Mr. and Mrs. Poilievre promenading patriotically up a hillside meadow. Hand in hand, they reach a solitary flagpole and proceed to raise the proud red and white maple leaf flag to the very top of the pole. Surely that will put the fear of the Almighty into them MAGA Yanks. Yes, that flying flag will scream out, “Take that, you Evil Empire; we’ll show you.” Hand in hand combat indeed!
Whether it’s the U.S. annexing Canada as its 51st state or us being saddled by having to accept the America as our 11th province, you have to admit that a marriage between the two of us is far from a perfect match. We’re nice and they aren’t. We gave the world Joni Mitchell while all they had to offer was Britney Spears. We have CBC and they spew out Fox News. It’s our The Nature of Things versus their Kardashians. Civilized sports like curling are popular here, whereas brutalizing one another inside an octagon is what turns their crank on the other side of the border. McDonald’s or Tim Horton’s? I rest my case. Besides, our beer is better.
I guess we have to admit that the Americans are several centuries ahead of us when it comes to military might. Let’s face it; they’ve got nuclear subs, neutron bombs, Star Wars missile defence, ICBM rockets, attacking drones and an arsenal of cutting-edge weapons that could destroy the planet many times over. In comparison, we basically have a booming slap shot from the blue line.
When it comes to personal self-defence and owning weapons, our cultures are as different as back bacon and prime ribs. Whereas Americans can practically purchase assault rifles from coin machine dispensers, we here in Canada need background checks and several layers of identification to procure a simple Swiss Army knife.
Now, after only a few weeks in power, that big bimbo leading our neighbours to the south has been issuing one executive order after another designed to shred the American Constitution and reduce the democracy into an Old Boys Club that serves only him and a bunch of his deep-pocketed cronies. Among some of these non-legal edicts are the outright theft of Greenland, the annexation of Canada and the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. What’s next? How about allowing that fat-ass Commander-in-Chief to give new names to the planets in our solar system? How does Uran-U.S. sound?
Then there’s that brilliant plan to level what’s left of the Gaza strip and convert it into a Middle East Riviera. Imagine the fortune to be made renting beach umbrellas and palapas. And why stop there? Can’t you just imagine the Temple Mount being turned into an amusement park? And while they’re at it, how much of a stretch would it be to convert Mecca into a 24-hour gambling casino?
There are certain strategies and tactics that we can use to fight back against the Trumpian monolith to our south. We just have to be clever about it. Take language, for instance. For more than two centuries, Americans have been degrading our written English by deporting the letter “u” from words such as colour, odour and honour. Let’s get even. Let’s bombard them with so many of these banished “u”s that they won’t know whether they’re co”u”ming or go”u”ing. Imagine their frustration at having to choose products like Jello”u”, Cheerio”u”s, and O”u”zempic. Yo”u”re welcome.
What about the Tesla? This brainchild of Elon Musk, Trump’s Rasputin, is branded with the stylized letter T (actually T for Trump). I propose that we can introduce a little marketing guerrilla warfare by crazy gluing a can of Muskol insect repellant to the front of all Teslas to act as a hood ornament.
They want our water, right? It might be one of our most valuable resources. Okay, we’ll give them water. However, we’ll give them water in the form of snow. Let them figure out where they are going to put all that stuff.
There are a couple of tactics being adopted which, although well-meaning, are unlikely to put much of a dent in Trump’s tariff threats. The first is the act of buying Canadian and especially avoiding products grown and manufactured in the States. Many grocery stores and supermarkets are now marking items which they deem to be from Canada. The problem, however, is knowing this for sure. Take a can of chili, for instance. Maybe the label says it is canned in Abbotsford, but where are the beans and tomatoes grown? They might come from Mexico during part of the growing season, but the company might have to purchase them from California greenhouses at other times of the year. If they listed all the variables on the labels, then the labels could grow larger than the cans. And by the way, where do the labels come from? In addition, is it better to buy a product that comes from New Brunswick than one from just across the border in Bellingham? Think of the carbon footprint comparison. We are still trying to save the planet, aren’t we?
Nobody asked me, but then there’s all that flag waving. It’s not just the Poilievres climbing up the hill, but everywhere you look, there are people buying new flags and hanging them up to make a show of their patriotism. If I didn’t know better, I would think we’re beginning to act just like those who are threatening to annex us. And where are those flags made, anyway? I’m betting there’s a good chance the flag material comes from China.