In the past few weeks, our very own B.C. ferry corporation has come under much scrutiny and criticism. The latest shot across the bow arises from the fact that the contract for building the next additions to the ferry fleet has been awarded to China instead of keeping the project and financial benefits in domestic hands. BC Ferries definitely does not need more bad press. In light of these developments, management is considering overhauling the traditional image to make the marine transportation system look much more like the high-profile, international airline carriers such as our respectable Air Canada/WestJet models.
How would this look? For starters, each time you book a sailing, you would accumulate sea miles (or should we call them sea knots)? How about “Frequent Floater Points (FFPs)?” Five hundred FFPs would entitle you to a free sailing to Saturna Island. Ten thousand FFPs gives you the privilege to climb up to the ship’s bridge and single-handedly dock the ferry in its berth.
Another perk under the new ferry makeover would be the allowance for both seat and lane selection. No longer would the placement of your vehicle on the car deck be at the control and whim of the deckhand. No, for a few shekels more, you can park at the front of the line in the middle lane.
Throwing down a little extra when you purchase your boarding pass will not only allow you to choose your seat on the boat, but also the lounge which best suits the atmosphere you desire. You may crave the silence and introspective vibe available in the Meditation Lounge or the “party hardy till you drop” dance temple groove reverberating from the Beat Goes On Lounge. If neither of these turn your crank, you may choose from almost every ambience in between.
Let’s do a little simulated exercise for a foot passenger day trip aboard one of the Air BC Ferries luxury liners, The Coastal Cancellation. First, after arriving at the ferry terminal, you purchase your boarding pass from the automated self-serve ticket dispensers. To your surprised delight, along with your ticket and boarding pass, a bag of salted peanuts comes sliding down the dispenser’s chute. Next you are directed to the scales to weigh your baggage. If you are not travelling with baggage, you can skip this step. If you do have some luggage, you can skip this step too because, like everyone else, you can shlep your seven bags and suitcases onto the boat as carry-on and try unsuccessfully to fit them in the new overhead compartments.
At this point, you make your way to the departure lounge and wait along with everyone else for the announcement that the crew is ready to welcome you aboard. Eventually, you get the signal from the deckhands . . . sorry, I mean float attendants . . . to proceed up the ramp onto the ferry. By the way, the float attendants have discarded their khaki uniforms and day-glo armbands in favour of neatly tailored tunics sporting Air BC Ferries commemorative logos. (And they do indeed welcome each one of you aboard with a smile and a nautical salute.)
Once you are seated, the captain’s soothing voice comes over the intercom to thank you for choosing this sailing and for the patience you’ve displayed during the somewhat chaotic boarding procedures (the algorithm on the automated boarding pass dispensers had sold more fares than the ferry could possibly hold without sinking), but the sticky situation had somehow been ironed out and it is now “all engines go.” Excess passengers are given free tickets to ferry destinations that may or may not exist. You are informed that the ship will be travelling at an altitude of about . . . er, sea level, and is scheduled to arrive on time, if only your destination belonged to a later time zone.
Finally, the float attendants take you through hurried emergency safety instructions. They point to the exits, the lifeboats and the self-deflating flotation devices. Should the lounges become depressurized, your overhead compartment will open automatically and down will drop heavy scuba tanks, which you should avoid hitting with your head. Next to drop down will be a pair of water wings and nose plugs. Lastly, falling from above will be those little white hot wet towelettes that you can use to freshen up before going into the drink. Unfortunately, the stock in these white towelettes has decreased recently, and therefore you may find raining down on you wet brown paper towels that originated in the dispenser of the washroom for the disabled. (I have promised myself to not make any mention of the ludicrously thin washroom toilet paper which is totally useless because it has less absorbency than black slate wrapped in wet moss, so I won’t.)
Nobody asked me, but perhaps we are looking at this ferry remodeling issue back-asswards. After all, haven’t we just had our knickers put in a knot because of the Air Canada flight attendants’ job action? Maybe we should be tweaking the airline industry so it operates more like BC Ferries. Talk about experiencing a little turbulence! Of course, the aircraft will have to be considerably larger so you can drive your vehicle aboard. Your special meal will be your choice between the “all you can eat” buffet in the Sunset Wing Tip Lounge, or the Captain Hook’s Surf&Turf combo packaged in a cardboard pirate ship.
One more word of warning on this proposed flight aboard the newly conceived Air BC Ferries hybrid enterprise. The last announcement you may hear could sound something like this: Passengers. If you unbuckle your seat belts, return your seats to the upright position and move to the port side of the plane, you will see an eagle soaring below us. No, not everybody at the same ti . . . .